College is my freedom

Look, I know I don’t write on here much at all. But I am done with this blog. This was my sadness, my stress, and all my insecurities. New Me. Bye:)

6 Months: 4 days in.

It’s been 4 days and there’s only so many people I can call. Only so many people I can talk to and distract myself with before all I can think of, is you. It’s only been 4 days and it’s like everything has changed between us. I’m lucky if you text me, “okay”? You’re my best friend and I really miss you. I can’t wait to be there with you. Do you know how hard I’m working? I’m constantly looking for scholarships, for a job, and any source of income to be able to pay for this dream. I’ll write essays until I’m bleeding if it means I get to be next to you again. I’m so excited to see your name show up on my snapchat, my texts, or any place else. We said that nothing has changed but that’s just me being dumb because everything has. I need to make it through the next 6 months. Help me. Please?

The Leak in your boat

Recently, I’ve started to take a look at the effects of my existence, my presence, on my family. Not just my family but those whom I consider closest to me and the decisions I make in this life. Unfortunately for me, I’ve been the best at poor decisions. If there were to be an Olympic award for bad decisions, I’d be record holding Olympian. I don’t know how to pinpoint the exact moment when I started to roll down hill but I can pretty much center it around all of my sophomore year. I’d made a mistake or two before but it seems to be that my decision my sophomore year made me the beacon of self pity and drama no matter where I go. But that doesn’t mean I need to stop there and I won’t. Stay motivated, stay strong. See you later babes 😉

“black lives matter”

Indeed. They do. As all lives do. Stop posting this every where though. This isn’t about one group, it’s about all groups. What about those whom lost their lives in Orlando? They weren’t all black. Some of them may not even have been really gay. Just at the wrong place at the wrong time. Lately, all I see on the media is ” X number of people dead, X number injured”. Why? What do people gain from shedding more blood upon the earth? I don’t see races, religions, or sexual orientations. I see people with a mother/father worrying about them every second, a wife/husband waiting for them to come home, or kids that just want their parent to be there. In fact, I was wrong to say “groups” earlier. Stop grouping because there is just one. Humans. We are all people, we bleed red, we feel, and many of us are only trying to live regardless of what anyone else may seem to think. I know that the world is not perfect and there is still hatred out there but leave it at home. If you don’t agree with two same sex people being in love, leave your comments at home. Don’t agree with seeing people who are of a different skin tone? Leave your comments at home. It’s okay to feel, to have opinions, and to believe a certain way. But that doesn’t in anyway justify the dying. 

No longer a High School kid..

I am still a child with much room to grow. But I am not the kid who waits for June to be out and about anymore. Instead, I am living with my parents and trying to fulfill the dreams that at this moment seem just out of reach. I am now job hunting and trying to find a smart way to pay for college. Nothing has ever seemed so hard. I don’t know what I am doing and it really frustrates me like nothing else has. It is extremely difficult to stay positive when it feels like so many doors are closing and I just walked into the hall. I remember when I started this blog and I thought my biggest problem was my emotions. Things have changed clearly. I was 15 when I started this and I am almost 18 now. I thought things were getting better and honestly, they have. Emotionally anyways. But as for life in general, I am still trying to figure everything out. I just wish I knew what to do. I want a future but right now.. College is too much money and a bunch of hopes and dreams don’t cover my tuition.

I’m alive!

I’m back and ready to write till my fingers bleed! Who’s ready for some time with stagnentmind?

“just friends”

I can’t even imagine how many people say that… I don’t want to. Ladies, gentlemen, boys, and delicate little girls… I present to you: “just friends”

Before I begin, let me apologize for how I dictate my blog.. I may use childish phrasing but I have a point, I promise.

Once upon a time, there was a young girl. She had been searching her short adolescent life for her fairy tale ending. Unfortunately, not all fairy tales end in harmony. She made it to high school, past bullying, past her chains that bonded her to childhood. She was growing up. She felt it was time for her to experience all she could. She met a boy, who soon became her boyfriend, he won over her mind and most dangerously– her heart. Her sweet blooming innocence stripped away in only minutes for her trust was in his hands and he didn’t mind letting it slip through his fingers. Along the way, she met a boy.. This boy knew she was with someone and was very respectful of who she was. He took grasp of something pure, a friendship. He got to know her in a way only he could. Surely, he fell for the young girl. She was so blinded by her boyfriend’s betrayal that she failed to appreciate all her friend (Let’s call him Mason) had to offer. Once, twice, three times she told Mason her feelings were true but within a few days she would tell him her heart belonged to the first. She left him aside, she let him hurt. He never gave up. He was beside her. Even if she didn’t speak to him, even if she left, he was always aware of her well being. After a long summer, she broke. She found herself hospitalized for depression. Her thoughts consumed her. All for a boy who couldn’t stop thinking with the head between his legs? Really?

Only just two months after being put on medication and taken for weekly therapy, she meets another boy, Nate. He seems different, he wants to help her move on. She’s so busy flirting and not letting any boy truly get to her that she misses the hint. Nate likes her. She realizes too late and he’s talking to Adaline. She’s distraught but quickly enough after one short evening proves herself worthy and he cuts ties with Adaline for her. She’s happy, yet something is missing. His friend David is really sweet and all the girls like him for his manly physique. His voice is deep but still young. He has girlfriend but what’s the matter. He’s just her friend. David helps her with Nate when Nate decides he no longer wants her. She’s a mess again…

David is having issues is his relationship too. She helps. Soon enough… The best friend turns boyfriend against her fathers wishes. Her mother, grandmother, and sister adore David. He’s her prince. And she knows it. She’s so happy, it’s almost too perfect. He truly cares for her… But Nate returns…he sweet talks her and she feels rushed with David, she breaks things off with David knowing he loves her the way she loved him. How could he not be hurt and resent that? Her innocence weans… They had a moment of passion… He loves her but he’s moved on… She tries too hard and he says goodbye… Bye David..

It’s almost three months past David, it’s still present in her memory and everyday feels rigid and she feels fragile and easily broken. Strangely enough, she remembers Mason.. He’s already given his innocence to a girl who truly loved him. I think to this day she still does, always will. Mason and her begin to speak again and quickly feelings pour.. She’s vulnerable and for the first time she’s looking at him in a way he’d been looking at her since the very inception of their bond. One day, they share a kiss… He can’t be serious… He has a girlfriend! But she’s important, she’s changed, she’s back… He tells her to wait and she does and the feelings build… And finally they’re together. (hold your applause) 

They’re so happy.. It’s like they’ve been together the entire time. No one knows him the way she does and he knows her in a way no one has ever seen. Despite what all others say based on her past, he ignores it, he knows her. The real her. But people always destroy the happiness they don’t have. Soon enough, Mason and her fight and argue and their relationship is an on and off switch flipping at the slightest disagreement. Finally, she promises to him that she wants a real relationship and he agrees. She’s his princess, he’s her knight. 

It’s too late… Her past mistakes have caught up. Her father wants her to be without a boy and Mason just wants what’s best for her so in spite of all their love they part ways… She’s convinced that it’ll be the same relationship just without the titles but she’s so wrong.. He wants a change.

Today, he still stands beside her, catching her and trying to help her find her way without him. Remember Adaline? She finally dated Nate but he let her go. So what’s she up to now? Getting close to Mason… He’s going to give her a shot. See what Katerina (her name) fails to notice is that it’s too late. She needs to be punished for all she’s done to David and most importantly Mason and her parents. She’s been through so much heart break and it’s still not over. Mason is now only her best friend… 

See, she’s waiting. She’s stuck this time because for the first time, she found someone worth fighting for but guess what.. Like I said.. Fairy tales don’t always end in harmony.. They’re, no matter how much it tears her heart to pieces, “just friends”. 

She finally opened her eyes to the one worth fighting for and she was too late.. I can’t tell you how much it’s killing me. 

I’m so sorry, Mason.. I love you. This isn’t the end of our story. 

Leave my Head…

Your name.. On this stupid little piece of paper… It’s just sitting here next to me… Damn harness… 

Just a damn name and my eyes are swelling and my throat is burning because I just want to cry.. I want to break. I want to be strong for you but you can’t even look me in the eyes anymore. My name is like poison in your mouth and I’m just ready to go.. But you’re already gone. I can’t stand you. But I miss you. And it’s like everyday is a new memory, a new flashback to just a few months ago when I was vulnerable and you were the only person who understood me, the one that mattered… And just like that… You’re gone. Bye bye now… Your knife through all I had.. 

I obliterate everything in my wake…

I feel like a bomb set into the world.. Nothing I do or could ever will amount to good enough. Not for you. I am sick. I am cold. I just want your smile, your hope, your absolute serenity in your arms. I cannot even begin to explain myself for I’ve tried so many times without a single splinter of hope. You’ve been my miracle, my angel. Your eyes so blue and heart so warm that I cannot and will not surrender this everlasting love. You make my knees go weak like a love song. When you speak my heart murmurs to the tone in your voice. But I ruined everything. I chose to push you aside when you wanted me most. And for what? Because he confused me? How stupid am I? Absolutely lost my mind, I have. Being around you feels like peace and being away feels like I am drowning in an endless abyss. I’ve only felt close to this once and that felt like a paper cut compared to the head pounding, swollen eyed feeling, with my chest being torn in half. All I can do is sit and wait like a hopeless by stander in your life because now there’s someone new and there’s really nothing I can do to change that. It’s not her fault. It’s ours. You blame me and I admit it’s very much my fault but you’ve done your part. I have more serious matters of my own to put my mind into. I don’t really have time to waste wallowing for something you don’t even give chance to. Although it burns like hell, I think about it more than I should and I try my hardest to come up with some ridiculous solution. For now, I’ll support you. I love you.

The kind of things I dream of at night..

So basically my family and I moved to a bigger house up north near like woods and surrounded by trees and shit. We had family from Mexico visiting and the house layout was pretty similar to where I live now. I was watching American horror story. I went to bed that night and I swore I was hearing things and objects were changing location. I remembered similar things occurring in the show so my parents said I was losing my mind and none of it was real. One night, my little cousin (male) was going to use the bathroom in my room but for some strange reason I was scared that something bad would happen as he did so. My dad, to make me feel better, began to video record what was happening from outside the bathroom. When we heard nothing, we entered the bathroom to no longer find the little boy cousin but a little girl, she was Asian. The little girl began to drown in the bathtub and I asked aloud “You drowned in here?” And suddenly the water drained away and my male cousin was back, my dad disbelieved anything he saw that night. The following night my mother attempted to put me to sleep and set my mind at ease because now I was afraid of my room. While lying in bed with me things started flying off my shelves and off the walls and my door swung open on its own. My mom was too scared to believe anything was happening and chose to ignore it. The following evening my mother told me were going out but she didn’t like my initial outfit and had me change into a nicer one. While I’m changing my father entered into my room, to the bathroom where it sounded as though he was washing his face. In complete confusion I walk over to the bathroom door, trying to put on my pants, he turns around. It is no longer my dad. It is a grown Asian man. Looking at me whilst holding a bar of soap and sponge in his hands, he gesture for me to strip. Quickly, I realize what has happened and I ask aloud “Your father drowned you?”. The Chinese man disappears and it’s my dad again. Quickly out of nowhere and Chinese woman and the same man appear to me and somehow show me into my mind what really occurred the tragic night. I see them holding their daughter and she’s fussing. They’d planned to drown her because they believed she supernatural and harmful to society. Quickly I see fangs. Their daughter is a vampire. She kills her parents and runs to the woods where she has been hiding for decades watching over the house her parents spirits protect. While the rest of my family left to some restaurant by what seems like the Hard Rock Casino, my aunt/cousin appears as some sort of werewolf. She kills the young Asian vampire. Johnny depp dressed as Capt. Jack Sparrow from pirates of the carribean tells me that vampires never win. And that’s how my dream ended.